


I'll Get By (As Long as I Have You)

by destinykw



Category: SHINee
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Jonghyun you did well, Lee Taemin-centric, M/M, Therapy, exo and superm are mentioned in passing, taekai is squint or you'll miss it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 00:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21844219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destinykw/pseuds/destinykw
Summary: They say therapy is like recovering from a physical injury; just when you think you’re done healing, you have to break down all of that scar tissue. Grief is like an itchy scab – you can’t resist the impulse to pick at the wound and think about the past when you should be letting it be and moving on.It's December, it's that time of year, and Taemin remembers. It's not as bad as he thought it would be.
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun & Lee Taemin, Kim Jongin | Kai/Lee Taemin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 112





	I'll Get By (As Long as I Have You)

**Author's Note:**

> Last week, I was suddenly overcome with the urge to write a hurt/comfort therapy fic for Jonghyun - I originally wanted to do it with all four of the members as the varying stages of grief during a group therapy session, but then it somehow became a "Taemin finding peace by himself when everyone's away"
> 
> I did a psych minor, but I've never been with a therapist (nor for grief counseling), so I apologize if some of the session comes off as cringe -  
> Hopefully some of my rambling is as cathartic for you to read as it was for me to write this.

It’s December, and Taemin feels restless. He’s _been_ restless. There’s been an incessant buzz thrumming under his skin since he returned to Seoul from the first leg of the SuperM tour two weeks ago. Taemin’s been lying on the couch staring up at the ceiling in a half-assed attempt to power-nap for almost half an hour now, yet he can still feel his thoughts racing with no end in sight. 

Jongin and Baekhyun are currently busy with the new EXO comeback promotions, and the other SuperM members are getting pulled into NCT and WayV schedules. Jinki, Kibum, and Minho are all still in the military, leaving Taemin to his own solitary devices. Without a doubt, Taemin is at his worst when there’s no work to do and nobody around to distract him from the constant niggling voice in the back of his head that tells him “If you aren’t working, then what is your purpose?” There’s only so much time a day that he can bear studying foreign languages by himself and running through choreography in a studio without his dancers. 

Oh, and Jonghyun is still dead. Not that his status has changed at all in the past two years, but today that fact, that permanent truth, just might drive Taemin insane. Everything feels so desperately hollow, so void of meaning, today. Before he can ruminate on this any longer, his phone buzzes with an incoming text notification from his manager. 

_ > I’m downstairs _

Taemin texts back a response from his prone position on the sofa before finally getting up, bundling up for the cold of December, bidding goodbye to Adam and Eve, and heading out. His manager is patiently waiting in the car downstairs, and Taemin is grateful for the comfortable silence that settles as they drive to their destination. He idly listens to the radio as he watches the scenery go by. 

Before Taemin knows it, they’ve already pulled into the parking lot. 

“I’ll pick you up in an hour.” 

“Yeah, okay. Thanks.” 

Taemin watches the car drive off before he lets his feet take him upstairs to his appointment. 

* * *

It’s honestly a bit fucked up how he’s ended up here. Kibum had some grief counseling sessions back in 2014 when his grandmother passed away, which admittedly probably helped Kibum bounce back a bit faster than if he had gone without it. Then the whole Jonghyun Incident happened, and management _strongly_ recommended that they do grief counseling as a group. Given that Kibum was already comfortable with this therapist, it was only natural that the other three of them went to her. 

Those next two months before their scheduled performances in Japan were a _time_. The sessions they had that winter made some of the simultaneously best and worst memories the four of them could have created, but it made these moments all that much more significant because they were created by the four of them taking steps toward healing together. 

Now Taemin’s back in this comforting yet suffocating office again, because he knows he can’t (and shouldn’t) trust himself to deal with all of his bullshit. When you stick a literal fourteen-year-old out into the limelight, it’s only natural that he’s going to develop some shitty, perhaps almost nonexistent, coping mechanisms. 

“How are you feeling, Taemin?” 

The idol in question purses his lips into a straight line as he fiddles with the ends of his scarf and stares at the cup of pens on the desk. _I feel stressed. Tired. Bored. Anxious. For some reason, unimportant. Lonely. Numb._ He wants to say so many things, but the words all get stuck in his throat. What manages to come out of his mouth is a single word that encompasses everything. 

“Bad.” 

A part of Taemin randomly recalls that WIRED interview SuperM just did back in the United States where Lucas short-circuited and simply called Jongin “good”. _Different intent, but honestly the same energy._

His therapist writes something brief before trying a different approach. 

“Have you been eating well?” 

“Yeah.” Taemin looks away from the trinkets on the desk to meet her eyes. “I’ve been spending a good amount of time at my parents’ place, so my mom’s been making sure that I eat.” 

She smiles and nods reassuringly. “That’s good. But how’s your _appetite_?” 

Taemin knew this question was coming. They both know that Taemin isn’t the type to voluntarily skip meals unless his schedule is ridiculously hectic (which is most definitely not the case at the moment). What she really wants to know is whether Taemin’s been eating for the sake of staying alive or because he actually wants to. 

“Probably getting worse. When I first got back to Korea, I was fine, but during the past couple of days, eating felt more like a chore.” 

She writes some more in her book before continuing. “How’s your sleep?” 

“So-so.” Taemin responds, wiggling his hand. “It’s not as great as I’d like it to be, considering how open my schedule is right now.” He pauses to take a sip of the tea he brought with him. “I had maybe three days of restful sleeping in when I got back before my body decided not to do that anymore. This week I’ve been going to bed around midnight and then I can’t sleep anymore by 6 or 7 AM. More times than not, I wake up a couple times at night, so it’s not a straight six hours.” 

“What’s been waking you up?” 

Taemin shrugs. “I don’t know. Sometimes it’s a dream, most times it’s nothing in particular. I just wake up, and it takes me half an hour to fall back asleep.” 

“Any dreams in particular that you want to discuss?” 

There’s a wave of sadness that threatens to overwhelm Taemin, and it makes his eyes water. He had pushed away that shred of a memory for the past few days, but now it has returned, bubbling up to the surface. 

“Sometimes I see Jonghyun-hyung, which isn’t new.” Taemin reaches over and grabs a tissue in preparation for the waterworks that he knows he can’t avoid. He hates this part. He hates how sometimes it’s nearly impossible for him, a full two years later, to mention Jonghyun without shedding tears whenever the rest of SHINee is not around. The therapist is patient, watching him with discerning eyes. “But these couple of times, he always looks sad.” 

“Do you know why he looks sad?” 

Taemin pulls his knee up towards his chest and rests his foot on the chair, manners be damned, as he dabs at the tear drops that trickle down his face. “I feel like...he’s concerned about me. About my well-being.” He takes a deep, albeit shaky, breath before continuing. “I can’t hear him these days – I only see his mouth move, and he looks so worried, and it makes me feel terrible for making him concerned.” 

* * *

The hour continues at its own pace. They say therapy is like recovering from a physical injury; just when you think you’re done healing, you have to break down all of that scar tissue. Grief is like an itchy scab – you can’t resist the impulse to pick at the wound and think about the past when you should be letting it be and moving on. Taemin goes through an entire rollercoaster of emotions during this hour, but at the end he realizes that the pent-up anxiety that’s been eating away at him has lessened. He finally feels...somewhat peaceful. 

Taemin thanks the therapist for her time, gathers his belongings, and trots back downstairs to where his manager is waiting. 

“Am I taking you back home, or did you want to stop somewhere?” 

His therapist had suggested revisiting that memory book SHINee made during their group sessions. “ _Sometimes you need to look back a bit before you can continue moving forward._ ” 

“Can you drop me off at the dorm?” 

* * *

It’s fascinating how much history a place can hold; Taemin is always reminded of this whenever he sets foot in the SHINee dorm. 

This apartment was a treasure trove of their experiences together as one unit; all the good, the bad, and the ugly – it all happened here, in SHINee’s home. It’s impossible for Taemin to ignore the ghosts of the past that permeate his thoughts when as he stands alone in this dorm. There’s a little something in every place he looks that reminds him of a memory. 

This was where Key and Minho engaged in yelling matches over the most fickle things, which were usually concluded by at least one of them laughing until they were crying.   
(FIFA matches, stolen white peaches, you name it, they’ve argued about it.) 

This was where Taemin burned one too many eggs, until all the hyungs banned him from the kitchen.   
(“ _Taemin-ah, I swear to God, you’re only allowed to make drinks in the kitchen from now on, until forever._ ”) 

This was where a younger Taemin would sneak in clumsily at 4 or 5 AM from the EXO dorm, thinking he was being super stealthy, only for Jonghyun to open their shared bedroom door and stage whisper “Where were you?”   
(Whenever Jonghyun said Jinki was worried, everyone knew Jonghyun really meant that he himself was worried.) 

This was where Jinki broke down sobbing on the floor of the living room in a way they had never seen him cry before, after their first counseling session together.   
(“ _Hyung, you’re allowed to cry._ ” “ _We’ve all cried our share, it’s only fair for you to have yours._ ”) 

* * *

There were two brief periods in Taemin’s life where he used to avoid this dorm like the plague whenever possible – the first few months after Jonghyun’s death, and just after Minho enlisted. 

* * *

After Jonghyun died, the entire dorm had been permeated by a sense of awkwardness. The four of them suddenly didn’t really know how to approach each other. They were constantly walking on eggshells. 

Jinki, ever the dependable leader, silently became their rock, putting on a brave face for them while pushing down all of his grief. Minho became very sensitive and was prone to showing his grief in the form of angry outbursts at the tiniest things. When Kibum was around in the dorm, he’d hug a pillow to himself and cry whenever something reminded him of Jonghyun. Taemin spent most of those first few days in the common areas of the dorm, silently watching the other members, as tears quietly rolled down his cheeks. The harmony the five of them had developed in the past nine years had seemed to vanish into thin air – the four of them no longer knew what to say or do in each other’s presence. 

Naturally, it was jarring then for Taemin to stand in the room that he used to share with Jonghyun. The atmosphere of the dorm was inevitably dampened by the somber truth that one of their members would never set foot in it again, but looking at their shared room only twisted the knife that had already impaled itself in Taemin’s chest since Jonghyun died. It filled Taemin with guilt to gaze upon Jonghyun’s much neater half of the room, where everything was exactly as he had left it. (How many times had Jonghyun nagged Taemin to at least pick up things off the floor on his side of the room?) Jonghyun’s pristinely-made bed, unaware that its owner would never return, only unsettled Taemin further. Jonghyun’s gaping absence made the whole room uncomfortable, and Taemin had resorted to taking his pillow and blankets off his bed in order to sleep on the couch whenever he did stay at the dorm. 

_“I feel like I should’ve known,” Taemin uttered_ _wistfully_ _during one of their sessions. “I’m - I was his roommate. I should’ve noticed that he was struggling and acting weird.”_

* * *

After Minho had enlisted, Taemin kept his visits to the SHINee dorm to the minimum, only popping in once a month or so to pick up or drop off some things. He had since gotten over his grief-induced aversion to his old shared bedroom, but he disliked how sterile the dorm felt without any of his members living there. 

Today, Taemin stands in the living room with a drastically different feeling. It’s a feeling he’s been missing for a while; the nostalgic comforting feeling of home. He casually flings his stuff onto the couch and heads to the bookshelf, in search of that memory book he hasn’t opened since February of 2018. 

* * *

_“We’re going to make a memory book today,” the therapist gently stated, as she handed each of them a pad of sticky notes and a pen. “I want you to spend the next couple of minutes writing down brief summaries of memories you have of Jonghyun on the notes.”_

_“What’s the point of doing this? I don’t need help in making myself feel worse.” Kibum looked away from everyone to look at the clock._ _Jinki_ _attempted to shoot Kibum a sad look of disapproval, but Kibum refused to meet his eyes._

_Their therapist watched them with sympathetic eyes. “I understand why you might be having doubts. However, moving on and accepting Jonghyun’s death doesn’t mean forgetting him. A lot of our previous conversations and exercises have been centered around learning how to live without him, but that doesn’t mean that you should leave him shuttered in the past.”_

_There was a silence as each of them took the time to wrap their heads around what that meant and how it made them feel. Thankfully, Minho was the one that helped push them forward that time. “What happens after we write on the notes?”_

_She smiled at the four of them gently as she reached into a drawer to pull out a brand-new notebook. “You’re going to put all of your notes in this book. When you go home, I’ll leave it to each of you to write down one of these memories in its entirety before our next meeting.” The four of them could only stare at the cover of the notebook, which bore the title “The Stories of Kim Jonghyun”._

_“The purpose of making this book is for all of you to create something to look back on whenever you miss him. This book of memories is your private tribute to remember what type of person_ _Jonghyun_ _was.”_

* * *

It takes Taemin a bit, but he manages to find the memory book beside Jonghyun’s solo albums. Memory book in hand, Taemin ambles to the refrigerator, pulls out a banana milk, and heads to his old room. He changes into something more comfortable and surprisingly manages to remember to text his mother about his whereabouts before nestling himself into his blankets. 

_I’m at the_ _SHINee_ _dorm. Probably won’t come back tonight < _

_ > What are you doing over there? Do you want me to bring you dinner? _

_I don’t know, I just kind of missed this place < _

_And you don’t have to, your son is capable of feeding himself 6v6 < _

_Love you – I'll be home tomorrow < _

Taemin cracks the book open to a random page, and he lets himself be led down memory lane by Kibum’s neat, printer-like handwriting. 

_There was that time where were in a waiting room, and we were doing a remake of that ramen commercial. We were already laughing hard, and then_ _Jonghyun-hyung_ _came in and_ _krumped_ _until he slipped on the floor! (Remember when Minho kept spraying him with the mist bottle?) That was the most we had laughed together in a while._

He picks another page, and he’s met with one of Onew’s memories. 

_We were on the Yang and Nam show, and we had to do the soul swapping game. Our Taemin did such a good job being_ _Jonghyun_ _–_ _Jonghyun_ _was hiding behind his hands for so much of it. He got so mad when Taemin didn’t say anything when asked “Have you seen any female artists recently?” His eyes were so wide and he jumped up and down and everything! We really bullied him a bit there, didn’t we?_

Minho’s scrawl on the next page talks about something less funny and more solemn. A serious memory of Jonghyun is a treasured memory nonetheless, and Taemin lets himself be reminded of all these times, some of which he had almost forgotten about. 

* * *

His phone’s ringing. 

_ < Call from _ _nini_ _ > _

“Hello?” 

“Taemin-ah, what are you doing?” 

“I’m at the dorm,” Taemin responds, smiling at his best friend’s voice while fiddling with the corner of a page. 

“Why?” Jongin sounds adorably confused. 

Taemin snorts. “Can’t I feel like going home once in a while?” 

Baekhyun can be heard in the background, yelling “Taemin-ah, come eat with us!” Taemin can only guess that some roughhousing ensued based off of the rustling he hears. 

“Yah, hyung, get off! I’m serious!!” Jongin protests. “How are you still so hyper?” 

“Invite your fake real boyfriend to dinner, and then I’ll let go!” It seems that Baekhyun has completely taken Jongin’s phone, because his voice suddenly sounds closer and clearer. “Taemin-ah, we just finished rehearsal, you should come join us for dinner!” 

Before Taemin can even answer, more wrangling ensues before Jongin’s voice returns to the line. “Have you eaten?” 

Taemin takes the phone away from his ear to look at the time. Oh shit. It’s 8:41 PM, and his last meal was around noon. Whoops. How has he already been here for four hours? So much for telling his mother that he could take care of himself. 

“Nope,” Taemin guiltily responds. 

Jongin sighs. “Well, if you’re going to be staying in the dorm, can I come over? We can order in.” 

Taemin can’t help the grin that makes its way onto his face. “That sounds great.” Before Jongin manages to hang up, Taemin manages to catch another snippet of EXO’s shenanigans. Namely Chen wailing “WHY? If Jongin gets to bail, then I should get to go home!” 

_I’m g_ _onna_ _order chicken < _

_ > But I’m on a diet! T-T _

_You say this like your diet during promo isn’t just chicken < _

_You can eat the chicken breast and veggies, and <_   
_just not the skin or carbs 6v6_

_ > And watch you eat the good parts? That’s torture _

_Name something you can eat that you want to order in 5 seconds < _

_Oh wait the only thing you eat now is chicken < _

_Time’s up. Fried chicken it is < _

_ > You’re literally the worst. _

_Love you, see you soon!! 6v6 < _

Chuckling to himself, Taemin places the order to their usual fried chicken place from the comfort of his bed. Contrary to what he’s texted Jongin, he orders some grilled chicken with the sauce on the side for Jongin, and a small order of fried chicken for himself. He throws in some sides and hits ‘ORDER’. 

Maybe SHINee should start making their own memory book once they’re all done with their military service. It would be something to look back on. Or maybe SuperM can throw a box together when they do their tour stops in Europe and the second round of US shows. Being able to look at these times evokes a cozy feeling that puts Taemin at peace. 

* * *

Taemin decides to finally move back out to the living room, taking the memory book and gently placing it back next to Jonghyun’s albums on the bookshelf. He turns on the TV and starts channel surfing as he waits for Jongin. 

The beeping at the front door roughly half an hour later signals Jongin’s arrival. The tall dancer quietly pads into the dorm, setting his stuff down next to Taemin’s. He plops down onto the couch and leans onto Taemin’s shoulder, his shower-fresh teal hair dampening the material of Taemin’s shirt. 

“How was practice?” Taemin murmurs, turning his head to look at the man beside him. 

Jongin sighs. “Good. Tiring. I really don’t know what Baekhyun-hyung drinks to be that hyper all the damn time.” The two of them chuckle at that statement as they meet eyes. They can’t forget the incredulous looks the NCT 127 and WayV members of SuperM had on their faces when Baekhyun finally resorted to his “I’m taking off my pants” antics in order to cut a Jopping rehearsal short. “There has to be something else in that coffee of his. He was literally climbing on me when I called you.” 

“Is that so? I can see that.” Oh Byun Baekhyun, don’t ever change. 

The two of them fall into a comfortable silence watching the variety show on screen, while Taemin idly plays with Jongin’s blue strands. Food arrives, and Taemin is a bit offended that Jongin assumed that he’d actively try to ruin his self-imposed not-fried chicken diet. (“Do I look like Baekhyun-hyung to you? I actually want you to succeed. Rude.”) 

Things between him and Jongin have always been simple. They’re able to wordlessly move in unison like binary stars that orbit each other. They continue watching whatever cooking show the channel happens to be flipped to. Soon after, all the food containers are cleaned up, and they prepare for sleep. It’s one of those nights where Jongin knocks out upon hitting the bed, and Taemin can only smile at Jongin’s cute sleep-induced pout before he climbs in under the covers and turns off the lamp. 

* * *

Taemin wakes up, and he realizes two things: it’s the first time in a while he’s slept for more than seven hours straight, and it’s _December 18_ _th_. 

He turns to look at Jonghyun’s bed. Two years to the dot today. It’s been two years since Jonghyun left this earth, two years since SHINee almost ripped itself to shreds from the inside out, only to adamantly put itself together against all odds. 

Two years since Taemin sat on the floor of this room and almost let his survivor’s guilt swallow him whole as he looked at all of Jonghyun’s things, all the little pieces of his soul, innocently staying in meticulously arranged positions. 

Two years since Kibum and Minho got into a physical tussle in the living room because Minho unknowingly projected his anger onto Jonghyun. (“How could he do this to us, he knew we had those concerts in Japan coming in February.”) It took Jinki, Taemin, and two of their managers to split them up. 

Two years since the four of them sat more or less together that afternoon and looked at anything but each other as they processed that this was indeed real and not some shared nightmare. 

Taemin takes a deep breath. He’ll be okay. December of 2017 felt like the end of the world, but time moves everything along. 

In these two years, so many things happened. SHINee celebrated their tenth anniversary with another studio album. Jinki and Kibum made their solo debuts. Minho did a solo SM Station track. SHINee members started enlisting. Taemin got to debut in a whole new group with Jongin and tour in America. In the past, Taemin might’ve felt remorse over the fact that he and the members were getting to go through life and career milestones that Jonghyun never got to, but he knows now that Jonghyun has been with them this entire time in spirit. 

_Don’t worry hyung, I’ll be more than fine. After all, I have one of the best people in the world watching over me. You._

**Author's Note:**

> Jonghyun, you did great. Thank you for everything.


End file.
